[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
You Might Also Like
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Good morning y’all ☀️
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Great game to play with friends
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.