I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
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my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off