Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
You Might Also Like
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.