I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.