Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
What
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.