not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
😅🤣😂
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”