My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
every. time.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?