There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
🤣🤣🤣
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
True