Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.