Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.