Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.