Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden