When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.