My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
when someone rings the doorbell
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean