When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Bootstraps
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.