you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.