I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Tough love is true love
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”