A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My therapist after every session
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Just a phase…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]