exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?