A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
You Might Also Like
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why