her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*