Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead