me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
wow he looks just like him
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.