All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Have a lovely day 😊
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.