Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
You Might Also Like
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.