[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Don’t touch that.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I forgot how to panic. Help
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
They also CAN sing✌️
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”