Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
we’re gonna need another temp
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”