*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses