Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
You Might Also Like
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird