[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
#DesignFail
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My current situation
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.