Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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Monday Lisa
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
How wrong was this guy?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Happens to everyone.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
smh
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.