But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday