Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff