If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.