I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I missed you with all my darts
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.