I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.