FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
This is my pinned tweet
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
So inspired right now.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.