The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.