Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!