Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m having an out of money experience.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.