Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
When you kidnap a writer.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head