that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game