best first i’ve ever seen
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
scared to check what name she chose
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes