My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.