My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.