“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Good Morning.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
This is my favorite one of these!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.