Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
can’t believe I got front row seats
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Yup!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.