her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.