My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
How do you like your Corgi?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
…u ok Nintendo?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?