Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8